[LUM#4] When children take power

[LUM Magazine] - Published on February 14, 2017 in Science-Society

Among all the forms that family violence can take, there's one that's still taboo, and little known even to specialists: children who bully their parents. In Montpellier, doctors come to their aid.

They're bullied, terrorized and even abused by... their children. A nightmare for these parents, who no longer know how to regain the upper hand over their offspring. To help them break out of this downward spiral, the Montpellier University Hospital has set up a unique consultation service for tyrannical children. Not just unruly brats, but children who have literally taken over the household. " We speak of a tyrannical child when the family hierarchy is no longer respected. In other words, when parents are no longer able to make decisions or set the educational rules they want," explains Nathalie Franc. To the point where these parents feel they are " living in their child's home "...

These are situations we don't often talk about, and they can be extremely violent. "There's a lot of verbal and even physical aggression against parents. These children may throw tantrums during which they hit or break objects, preferably those to which the parents are attached. Older children may even threaten to run away or commit suicide," explains the child psychiatrist. All the parents treated by the Child and Adolescent Psychological Medicine Service agree: they are afraid of their child.

"We live with our children

But how did these families get to this point? " There ' s always a child psychiatric problem at the start: anxiety disorder, hyperactivity, autism, obsessive-compulsive disorder ", explains Nathalie Franc. Studies also show that the risk increases when the child is the focus of the parents' emotional investment: eldest child, late sibling, only child or adopted child, or child who was sick as a child. Parents, on the other hand, are often particularly sensitive to their children's needs and attentive to their upbringing. " Those we follow in the group are psychologists, educators or teachers, they just want to do well. Sometimes too well.

So, to help their children cope with their difficulties, parents adapt, even "over-adapt". Some give up work so as not to leave an anxious child alone, while others allow themselves to be drawn into the idiosyncrasies of their OCD-afflicted children. " One of the mothers in the group has to tuck in the blanket in a very particular way every night, then say a specific phrase. If she makes a faux pas in her child's ritual, he throws a tantrum and forces her to do it all over again ", testifies the child psychiatrist.

Parents at the end of their tether

For specialists, this parental over-adaptation may well be at the root of tyranny. This behavior gives children the impression that they have the power to decide," explains Nathalie Franc. It also perpetuates the problem in the long term, because by preventing the child from being confronted with his problems, we don't encourage him to find solutions on his own. Little by little, tyranny sets in, insidiously. "All the more so when the child has no behavioral problems outside the home. Angels at school or in society turn out to be little demons in the intimacy of the family circle...

" This is one of the major difficulties: since these children behave quite normally outside the home, it delays detection and treatment ," says Nathalie Franc. As a result, parents arrive at our clinics feeling depressed and "at the end of their tether". " They may have put aside their professional, personal and social lives, become isolated and feel a great sense of guilt and shame . This shame leads them to hide the seriousness of their situation from those around them, half-confessing to having a "difficult" child, but not daring to describe the reality of their daily lives.    

Out of the closet

" The first thing we advise parents to do is to come out of the closet, and talk to those close to them, who will form a real support network," explains the child psychiatrist. This is not only a support for parents, but also a lever for changing the child's behavior: "If he knows that those around him are aware of the situation, he becomes sensitive to this outside view and loses power ".

In their survival kit for parents of tyrannical children, the doctors also stress the need to learn how to defuse crises. " Most of the time parents oscillate between total opposition and over-explanation, neither of which works, so we encourage them to find a third way to resolve conflicts." To help them, the specialists advocate non-violent resistance, a behavioral approach inspired by Ghandi. " We advise them, for example, to react with a delay, to give their response more force ".

And does it work? We don't yet have the experience to evaluate this approach over time," explains Nathalie Franc. But what is certain is that the parents who take part in these sessions are already feeling better. Firstly, because they realize that they're not the only ones in these situations, which relieves them of a certain amount of shame and guilt. Secondly, they regain confidence in their parenting skills. This is an essential ingredient in changing the dynamic at home, and gradually enabling everyone to find their rightful place.

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