[LUM#4] When Kids Take Over

[LUM Magazine] - Published on February 14, 2017 in Science and Society

Among all the forms that domestic violence can take, there is one that remains taboo and is little understood even by experts: children who bully their parents. In Montpellier, doctors are coming to their aid.

They are mistreated, terrorized, and even physically abused by… their own children. It’s a nightmare for these parents, who no longer know how to regain control over their offspring. To help them break free from this vicious cycle, the Montpellier University Hospital has launched a groundbreaking program to address the issue of tyrannical children. These are not simply unruly little rascals, but children who have literally taken control of the household.“We speak of a tyrannical child when the family hierarchy is no longer respected. That is, when parents no longer have the ability within the home to make decisions or set the parenting rules they wish,” explains Nathalie Franc. It has gotten to the point where these parents feel as ifthey are “living in their child’s house”…

These are situations that are rarely discussed, yet can be extremely violent. “There is a great deal of aggression—verbal or even physical—toward parents. These children may have tantrums during which they hit or break objects, especially those to which their parents are attached. Older children go so far as to threaten to run away or commit suicide,” explains the child psychiatrist. All parents receiving care at the child and adolescent psychological medicine department report the same thing: they are afraid of their child.

"We live with our children"

But how did these families end up in this situation?“It always starts with a child psychiatric issue: an anxiety disorder, hyperactivity, autism, or obsessive-compulsive disorder,”explains Nathalie Franc. Studies also show that the risk increases when the child is the primary focus of the parents’ emotional investment: an older child, a child born later in life, an only child, an adopted child, or a child who was ill when they were young. The parents, for their part, are often particularly attuned to the child’s needs and attentive to their upbringing.“The people we work with in the group are psychologists, educators, or teachers—they just want to do the right thing.” Sometimes they try too hard.

So, to help their children cope with their difficulties, parents adapt—or even “over-adapt.” Some stop working so as not to leave an anxious child alone; others allow themselves to be drawn into the rituals of their children who suffer from OCD. “One of the mothers in the group has to tuck in the blanket in a very specific way every night and then say a specific phrase; if she makes a mistake in her child’s ritual, he throws a tantrum and forces her to start over, ”says the child psychiatrist.

Parents at the end of their rope

Experts believe this overcompensation on the part of parents could very well be the root cause of the child’s tyrannical behavior.“This behavior gives the child the impression that he or she has the power to make decisions, ”explains Nathalie Franc. “It also perpetuates the problem in the long run because, by shielding the child from facing his or her difficulties, we aren’t encouraging him or her to find solutions on his or her own.” Little by little, tyranny takes hold, insidiously.“It’s all the more insidious because the child doesn’t exhibit any behavioral problems outside the home.” Little angels at school or in social settings who turn out to be little devils within the privacy of the family circle…

“This is one of the major challenges: since these children behave completely normally outside the home, it delays early detection and intervention,”says Nathalie Franc. As a result, parents arrive at consultations feeling depressed and “at the end of their rope.”“They have sometimes put their professional, personal, and social lives on hold; they isolate themselves and express a deep sense of guilt and shame.” This shame drives them to hide the severity of the situation from those around them, hinting only that they have a “difficult” child but not daring to describe the reality of their daily lives.    

Breaking the Silence

“The first thing we advise parents to do is to break the cycle of secrecy and talk about it with their loved ones, who will form a real support network,” explains the child psychiatrist. This provides support for parents but also serves as a tool to change the child’s behavior: “If the child knows that those around them are aware of the situation, they become sensitive to that outside perspective, and the problem loses its hold on them.”

In the survival kit for parents of tyrannical children, doctors also emphasize the need to learn how to defuse crises.“Most of the time, parents swing between total opposition and over-explaining, neither of which works; we encourage them to find a third way to resolve conflicts. ” To help them, experts advocate nonviolent resistance, a behavioral approach inspired by Gandhi’s methods.“For example, we advise them to respond after a brief pause to give their response more impact.”

Does it work?“We don’t yet have enough perspective to evaluate this approach over the long term, ”explains Nathalie Franc. “But one thing is certain: the parents who participate in these sessions are already feeling better.” First, because they realize they aren’t the only ones going through these situations, which takes some of the weight of shame and guilt off their shoulders. Second, because they’re regaining confidence in their parenting skills—an essential ingredient for changing the dynamic at home and helping everyone gradually find their rightful place.

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