[LUM#4] When Kids Take Charge

[LUM Magazine] - Published on February 14, 2017 in Science and Society

Among all the forms that domestic violence can take, there is one that remains taboo and is little known even to specialists: children who bully their parents. In Montpellier, doctors are coming to their aid.

They are mistreated, terrorized, and even abused by… their own children. It’s a nightmare for these parents, who no longer know how to regain control over their offspring. To help them break free from this vicious cycle, Montpellier University Hospital has launched a new type of counseling program to address the issue of tyrannical children—not just rowdy little rascals, but children who have literally taken control of the household.“We speak of a tyrannical child when the family hierarchy is no longer respected. That is, when parents no longer have the ability within the home to make decisions or set the parenting rules they wish,” explains Nathalie Franc. It has gotten to the point where these parents feel as thoughthey are “living in their child’s house”…

These are situations that are rarely discussed, yet can be extremely violent. “There is a great deal of aggression—verbal or even physical—directed at parents. These children may have tantrums during which they hit or break objects, especially those to which their parents are attached. The older ones even go so far as to threaten to run away or commit suicide,” explains the child psychiatrist. All the parents being treated at the child and adolescent psychological medicine department report the same thing: they are afraid of their child.

"We live with our children"

But how did these families end up in this situation?“There’s always a child psychiatric issue at the outset: an anxiety disorder, hyperactivity, autism, or obsessive-compulsive disorder,”explains Nathalie Franc. Studies also show that the risk increases when the child is the primary focus of the parents’ emotional investment: an older child, a late-born child, an only child, an adopted child, or a child who was ill when they were young. As for the parents, they are often particularly attuned to the child’s needs and attentive to their upbringing.“The parents we work with in the group are psychologists, educators, or teachers—they just want to do the right thing.” Sometimes they try too hard.

So, to help their children cope with their difficulties, parents adapt—or even “over-adapt.” Some stop working so as not to leave an anxious child alone; others allow themselves to be drawn into the rituals of their children who suffer from OCD. “One of the mothers in the group has to tuck in the blanket in a very specific way every night and then say a specific phrase; if she makes a mistake in her child’s ritual, he throws a tantrum and forces her to start over, ”says the child psychiatrist.

Parents at the end of their rope

Experts believe that this over-accommodation by parents could well be the root cause of the child’s tyrannical behavior.“This behavior gives the child the impression that they have the power to decide, ”explains Nathalie Franc. “It also perpetuates the problem in the long term because, by shielding the child from facing their difficulties, we aren’t encouraging them to find solutions on their own.” Little by little, tyranny takes hold, insidiously.“It’s all the more insidious because the child shows no behavioral problems outside the home.” Little angels at school or in public who turn out to be little devils within the privacy of the family circle…

“This is one of the major challenges: since these children behave completely normally outside the home, it delays early detection and intervention,”says Nathalie Franc. As a result, parents arrive for consultations feeling depressed and at their “wits’ end.”“They’ve sometimes neglected their professional, personal, and social lives; they isolate themselves and express deep feelings of guilt and shame.” This shame drives them to hide the severity of the situation from those around them, hinting only vaguely at having a “difficult” child but not daring to describe the reality of their daily lives.    

Coming Out of the Closet

“The first thing we advise parents to do is to break the cycle of secrecy and talk to their loved ones, who will form a real support network,” explains the child psychiatrist. This provides support for parents but also serves as a tool to change the child’s behavior: “If the child knows that those around them are aware of the situation, they become sensitive to that outside perspective and lose some of their power.”

In the survival kit for parents of tyrannical children, doctors also emphasize the need to learn how to defuse crises.“Most of the time, parents swing between total opposition and over-explaining—neither of which works—so we encourage them to find a third way to resolve conflicts. ” To help them, experts advocate nonviolent resistance, a behavioral approach inspired by Gandhi’s methods.“For example, we advise them to respond after a brief pause to give their response more impact.”

Does it work?“We don’t yet have enough perspective to evaluate this approach over the long term, ”explains Nathalie Franc. “But what’s certain is that the parents who participate in these sessions are already feeling better.” First, because they realize they’re not the only ones going through these situations, which helps lift some of the burden of shame and guilt. Second, because they regain confidence in their parenting skills—an essential ingredient for changing the dynamics at home and helping everyone gradually find their rightful place.

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